Personalized Funerals

Recently I read an article about how people are going more and more towards a personalized non-traditional funeral. Being as my dad's funeral was a week ago I found this very interesting. Some of it kind of made me laugh like do-it-yourself preparation of the body. No thanks, I'll pass on that one. But what really struck me was not so much the article itself but all the comments posted about the article. So many of them were so cynical. A lot of them said, "just throw me in a plywood box and call it good." Some even criticized those in the funeral business and claimed they were scam artists. I'll admit that my feelings on this subject are still quite raw so it isn't surprising that these comments hit a nerve in me. I wanted so much to respond to those comments but didn't feel like that was the right time or place. So I am taking the opportunity to express my feelings here. When it comes to grief and funeral arrangements when a loved one passes away, you just don't have any idea what it will be like and what you will need until that time comes. Grief is a very individualized personal experience. There is no secret recipe or magic formula to make it any easier. You have to do what you feel as things come. As we planned my dad's funeral I was so grateful for the love and support of my family. All nine of us children were involved in the planning and execution of my dad's funeral and viewing. The day after he died we had a family meeting and planned who would talk at the funeral, who would pray, who the pall bearers were, etc. The following day we all met at the mortuary and picked out his casket and other services the mortuary would provide. We each prepared a tribute to our dad to display at the viewing and funeral. We laughed, we cried, we mourned, and we loved. My dad had made some requests about what he wanted when he passed away and we did our best to honor his wishes. We picked the casket that was the closest we could get to a simple pine box. My sisters went to the mortuary and colored his hair because he wanted to be buried with red hair. My dad lived a plain and simple life and that is how we planned his funeral. I will agree with one comment and that is the funeral is not really for the one who has died but for those who are left behind. Originally I was going to talk at my dad's funeral but then my older brother got here from New Mexico and said he wanted to talk. I graciously stepped aside and let him talk because I felt it was something he needed to do as part of his grieving. Alex and I prepared a video presentation of pictures of my dad. Putting it together was both heart wrenching and very therapeutic. Every picture I looked at reminded me that my dad was gone but it also brought back the memories of happier times. I took great pleasure in picking the songs for the video. My sister's gave me a few suggestions but they all kind of seemed to be the same. My dad had many different aspects to him, he wasn't just our dad. I chose Song of the South by Alabama, Love Me Tender by Elvis, Daddy's Hands by Holly Dunn and When I Get Where I'm Going by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton. In the end I was happy with what we were able to put together. I felt like we were able to capture the essence of my dad's life in that video. Does it matter to my dad that he had a video at his funeral, probably not. But it mattered to me. It was a way for me to channel my grief and deal with it in a healthy, productive way. Some of the comments said that people would regret the money spent or how they did things. But I am fairly certain that ten, twenty or even thirty years down the road my siblings and I will still be happy with the funeral we did for our dad. We will not regret a single thing. So yes, we went with a more personalized funeral for my dad. It was our way of expressing the love that we have for him. Certain things were done differently than I first expected but in the end it all was a great celebration of my dad. And those things that I thought we would do but ended up different actually brought a great measure of comfort and peace to me. My cousin posted some pictures of the viewing set up on Facebook. A friend of mine who came to the viewing posted a comment that I think sums things up nicely. "What you guys did was so personal and amazing. The viewing was perfection and I could see how much you all loved him. It brought me to tears."