The Hardest Part of My Dad Being Sick

I love my dad!  I have been Daddy's girl from the moment I was born. 

My dad is sick.  He has cirrhosis of the liver.  He was diagnosed about 3 years ago, maybe 4.  But in the last year his illness has progressed rapidly.  At Christmas a year ago I felt like I still had my dad.  Over the next few months his health declined rapidly.  He is now a shadow of the man he used to be.  It is especially noticeable when I see the looks on relatives' faces when they see my dad for the first time in a long time.  They just can't believe the change in him.

Overall I feel like I have dealt with my dad's illness fairly well.  I have made more of an effort to go and see him or just call him on the phone.  When the time comes that he dies I don't want to have any regrets.  I want to send him off with all my love.

But there are moments when the reality of his illness really hits me.  It never fails that when I have a problem with my car I end up crying and so frustrated with my dad being sick.  Why?  Because the hardest part of my dad being sick is that I can't go to him with my car problems.  He can't tell me what we need to do.  And we can't go get the parts and then work together to fix it. 

Now that may sound really selfish.  It may sound like the only reason I want him healthy is to fix my car.  But that isn't it at all.  My dad doesn't fix my car, we do!  Some of my most cherished times with my dad are sitting by his side as he taught me how to work on my car.  I love saying, "my dad didn't raise me to be a wimpy girl."  I have taken quite a bit of pride in knowing that I can work on my car. 

But there is so much of it that I can't do on my own and don't want to.  I want to get covered in grease and try and figure out what my dad is going to do next.  I want to have him teach me more about the way my car works.  I want to get totally frustrated with him because he moves so slow.  But that is never going to happen again.

I took my car in today because we had a flat tire and ended up needing to replace two tires.  But they also told me that my CV boot is torn and so the axle needs to be replaced.  After paying for the tires I went and sat in my car and cried because Dad and I have replaced the axles before.  I know it is something I can do with him but not without him. 

And on a day when everything else has gone wrong a little girl needs her dad to come and rescue her.  Only my dad can't rescue me anymore.